rattlesnake round up

this weekend, jse, cb and i went to a rattlesnake round up in oglesby, texas.

all sorts of people are interested in rattlesnakes, including:

this guy with one eye, who we think lost an eye to a you-know-what..
inmates (cb posed as a decoy)..
and a crew from animal planet, who were filming a pilot for a series on snakes in texas..
they recorded me petting the rattle of a snake, probably because they thought i was a japanese tourist.

there were all sorts of demonstrations and also rattlesnake paraphernalia for sale, i am thinking of carrying these hair accessories at the store..
the most amazing demonstration was at the end, when the heart of texas snake handlers attempted to break a world record on the number of snakes + human in a bath tub. prior to saturday, the record was 120.
121, 122..don't they look nervous?
123! a new world record..i don't think i've ever seen a world record broken in person, i felt accomplished, even though i didn't do anything.

it's a pronoun kind of town

one grammar lesson before my re-cap of the hometown dates.

there is a big difference between "i" and "me". they are both pronouns, but "i" is the subject and "me" is the object.

example: "i wish ashley and i had matching fingerless gloves for our hometown date in maine."

"me" is the object.

example: "i'm not sure if i can reconcile the distance between shawntel and me if she has to stay in chico."

the problem is that no one seems to like using "me". and when "i" is used as the object, it's a disaster. if you do this in front of me, i am probably judging you. the habit of using "i" is probably a reaction to hearing "me" used incorrectly by kids, backwoods or uneducated people. but really you sound like a pretentious clown when you use "i" incorrectly, it's no better than kissing cousins with close set eyes from the ozarks.

this has been a major problem for the whole cast of the bachelor. this episode, especially, because it was all one-on-one contact rather than group dates. pretty sure that they're not going to correct the habit in two weeks, and brad and ___ will probably teach form the pronoun subject/object error in their children at a very young age. eh.

chantal's date was no surprise. somehow i knew that her parents' house would be styled in some sort of venetian way. and i think we are now clear on where chantal's fashion sense comes from. today she looked like a flight attendant + stripper. mama o'brien is a hot mess. her matching lavender eye shadow, lipstick and coordinating vneck tee from chico's was a bit of a disaster. however, she is prettier than chantal. people including me have criticized brad for his lack of personality and expressiveness, but at least he's consistent. i thought he was great with her parents.

ashley's stock went way up after seeing her in maine. why was brad so nervous to eat french fries with cheese and gravy? was he afraid his 8 pack abs would turn into 7? i did love the self-pay box at the produce stand. i was never sure if ashley fabricated her hyper-happy personality, but the rest of her family is this way, save her brother, who seems like a fusion of eminem and the unabomber. i still don't think she will be in the final two, but i liked her better in this setting better than i have all season. did not love the hoodie sewn into the leather jacket that brad was wearing.

note to self: to attract men, do not take job as embalmer. brad's date with shawntel was rough. pulling up to the funeral home, pretty sure brad was crunching xanax and making emergency calls to jaime the therapist. what were those four hooks hanging from the ceiling in the embalming room? scary. and i'm pretty sure for a moment, brad though shawntel was going to flip and attack him with the scalpel or giant needle. and the way brad rationalizes "she deals with death all day but is so full of life"..brad is full of something else. the only other notable moment here was the announcement in front of mom and dad that dad may not be retiring, ever. he and his mustache may have to show up to work on dead people for the rest of his life.

high point of date with emily: when emily comforted brad at the end of the evening and they shared a lovely kiss in the doorway (i cried, totally. TOTALLY.). low point: "ricky tick". gross, what does that mean? it was a great day for them, for emily especially because of how her daughter reacted to a man. still, she's light years ahead of him in maturity and experience. i have started a home teeth bleaching system as a result of seeing emily's choppers (jse, for some reason, was very disturbed by the premise of me whitening my teeth). wow they're white!

shawntel's dress at the rose ceremony was brutal. maybe the worst she's worn so far. a sleeveless turtleneck dress with beaded shoulders. if anyone has an excuse for bad clothes, it's ashley, who grew up far removed from the rest of america. a girl from california has no excuses. and what of her "great sense of style" and all of the clothes she bought in las vegas?? still bitter about that.

shawntel's gone. off to south africa for the four love birds, am eager to see if chantal has laid off the burritos since anguilla.

same, same different

this is geno the dachshund, he won best of breed at the westminster show this year.

this is claire.
once more.

geno.
claire.

previous to seeing geno, i was under the impression that claire was a dachshund plus (more). now i wonder whether claire is a dachshund at all. the biggest differences here being claire's HUGE, up tilting rump, her short snout and ears, and the length of her legs. right, and the texture and length of her fur and girth/shape of her tail. and weight distribution. i'll stop.

winnie's breed was not represented at the show. but to be fair..

winnie.
yes. well, none of the breeds reminded me even remotely of her. really i couldn't find any pictures of akc champion dogs who were crouched and paralyzed with fear. but i suppose her physical constitution is best represented by mckenzie the pointer:
and her personality of sienna the italian greyhound:
but let's face it, winnie would never even make it through the doors of madison square garden, let alone the end of my driveway. and claire would probably bite the judge and poop in the middle of the arena.

(photos from nytimes)

a lot like love

i am "told" that even though evan is average or above average in height and weight, that his head is minuscule, in the 25th percentile.

right. if anyone can look at this and tell me that they agree with his rank, i will tell you that you are delusional. my sweet, smart, sensitive nephew has a GIANT head (and please note his fred flintstone feet), much like another boy genius.

it won't do, to dream of caramel

this must not have been a joke, since no one is snickering. paul sent this to me last week, and i still can't seem to digest everything going on here. i do remember loving that tunic/spandex short combo, although i don't know where the giant water spot or stain on the shirt came from. it obviously did not bother me as i am not making any attempt to try and hide it. i have a perm, which is awesome, and this must have been the age when my body stopped growing and my head continued to grow at an extremely fast rate for the next seven years. made for a good social life. i will not make fun of paul's clown outfit (or his nose that looks like it might collapse under the weight of his giant glasses). or ruth's equally awesome perm. or my dad's extremely tan hand. mom looks pretty normal.

finally woken

i wouldn't call myself a frequent flyer or jet set, but i am on an airplane about eight times per year. there are many things i appreciate and like about flying but a growing number of things not to like about the experience. my number one:

"as a courtesy to the next passenger may we suggest that you use your towel to wipe off the water basin"

this is the sign that you will see in the restroom of every american airlines plane. it is terrible. i can't imagine one possible way of making this sentence any more wordy or inefficient. the sign is twice or three times bigger than it needs to be, only because some dum dum copy writer was too busy sounding high class and pretentious to think about being concise. it's a sign, for crying in the night, not a short story. you are a copy writer, not james joyce.

"may we suggest" - if it is a posted sign, it is obviously either a rule or a suggestion.
"use your towel" - i mean, does american airlines think that i might try and use my shirt hem or even lick up the sink to be courteous to the next passenger?
"water basin" - we are in america, it is called a sink.

so, on my way back to my seat, i always find myself coming up with a list of suggestions on how i would re-word this sign.

"please wipe off sink after use"
"as a courtesy to other passengers, please wipe sink after use"
"please be courteous and wipe off sink after use"
"please wipe off sink as a courtesy to the next passenger"

the way the sign reads now is a symbol of how wasteful and inefficient bureaucracy can be. gross.

while we're waiting

another gorgeous bathroom from desire to inspire, several things here: those big heavy doors with tiny hardware and shiny tiles along the ceiling. i love the wide window with the single roman shade. and the light fixture is unassuming but regal. it is somewhere in antwerp.

banksy box

i am writing this blog on episode 7 of the bachelor on the heels of almost being attacked by a giant woman in brown and white striped spandex, i think she was carrying a walkman. i'm just mentioning that in case you have ever doubted my commitment to the show. in addition, i almost dehydrated my baby watching this on hulu because i didn't want to get up to get a drink of water.

on arrival to the cuisinart resort and spa in anguilla, i've never heard so many women describe a place with glass bricks as being "the most amazing place ever." in addition, i'm pretty sure at this point, if the contestants don't have some form of melanoma, they are well on their way. you can tell how much time a person spends in the sun by how many swimsuits they have. i have one, actually, half of one since i haven't seen the bottoms since last summer. these girls have as much swimwear as they do stretchy pants (cropped stretchy hot pants do make an appearance in this episode, which was refreshing and disappointing at the same time), which tells me that in a few years, no amount of olay regenerist is going to adequately combat the sun damage they have incurred. while we're on the topic of collecting, i am officially taking donations to buy chantal o a variety of tshirts that are not a) burn out and b) green or purple.

emily's date with brad started with a helicopter ride over the ocean to a deserted island. it wasn't very big, probably only big enough to do a couple of those races like in elementary school where you have to run and grab the chalkboard eraser from one end and run to the other end and drop it off. the shuttle run? anyway, they have a good conversation, except their hair kept going from dry to wet to dry. funny. at this point, brad realizes she is too good for him and makes a last ditch move to ingratiate himself to her by "breaking the rules" and telling her that she was definitely getting a rose. kk says that she is the only person who can wear a side braid successfully. i would tend to agree, although i did love LOVE carmen kass in a narciso rodriguez fragrance campaign several years ago.


there aren't too many things that can be said about britt's one on one date. it was too little, too late. i was looking forward to the dinner scene where britt has to eat, and i am convinced that whatever food publication britt writes for, it only requires her to smell the food or chew and spit out. people, there's no way. i was happy that brad sent her home, although if he was going to cut to the chase, it should have been when he saw she was wearing giant white foam flip flops and an sweatshirt she must have borrowed from blanche on the golden girls.


dgh says that shawntel's attractiveness is highly dependent on the lighting. i think she would agree that shawntel looked great on the island. their dates seem to be light hearted and fun, except who is bankie bad or whoever? the most famous singer in anguilla? i guess as long as you have more than one singer, he can be considered the most famous. but then he could also be considered the second least famous. anyway, brad acts like he knows who he is, but pretty sure he doesn't. shawntel tells brad she is falling in love with him. in normal fashion, brad does not respond.

the three/one date with chantal, ashley and michelle was not awesome, it was awkward for everyone. i don't have much of a response, except i think that brad's belly button seems to be too high on his torso. maybe that's where he plugs in his charger at night. and i didn't know that lower back tattoos were so trendy among mid 20 somethings. in addition, i have started to notice that michelle licks her lips a lot and it reminds me of that lizard that ricky the dragon carried around with him on wwf.

brad skips the cocktail party in order to cut to the chase. i wish he wouldn't have, otherwise he would have seen shawntel's dress and made her leave the island immediately. michelle gets kicked off in the most anti-climactic fashion. i knew it was coming, especially because she had a chance to apologize for being an ass hole and all she did was say "i know i'm supposed to be here." she doesn't say a word, but lays down and rocks herself after she boards the limo.

only four episodes left, three of my four picks are still in the game, which i am happy about!

evan + (beef + peas)

nobody is this happy the first time they eat beef and peas!! when i see this it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time, except you know what happens if you laugh and cry at the same time*..







*colorful hairs grow out of your booty.

orange you glad

a couple of winters ago, i blogged about my love of orange foods. carrots, oranges, pumpkin, etc.

http://roachehotel.blogspot.com/2008/12/wascally-wabbit.html

it still holds true that when the fall comes around, i do crave them. except this fall/winter, things are a little different ("different") so my tastes have changed too. my top three orange foods for fall/winter 2010-11 (i've actually eaten all of these in the last 24 hours).

flamin hot cheetos.
grapefruit perrier.
annie's bunnies and cheese.
if long john silver's served orange food, that would have been on this list too (i went because i was craving popcorn shrimp, it was a major downer). and grilled cheese. and oh yeah, i did make butternut squash soup once this past fall, that was good.

oh say can you see

luckily, brad did not forget to pack his balls for his trip to costa rica. not so lucky, he also packed tevas. speaking of wardrobes, the black step aerobic pants that all the girls seem to have ENDLESS supplies of, has gone from being irritating to a detriment. if i knew i was going to be on national television for weeks, my first move would not be to pack 147 pairs of stretchy black pants. but we'll have to get past that, they all brought them, lots of them, they wear them and like them a lot.

i am happy to report that chantal "lima bean ears" o has mostly recovered from her dramatic bout last week. she has now turned up the brat and outspoken volume controls, but that is to be expected at this stage. in addition, her boobs also seem to be heading upward with every passing show, they are now in alignment with her collar bones. great one on one date, they had good chemistry, although i think i would bore of the "world's longest zip line" after a couple of runs. their night date got a little racy with chantal changing into one of brad's white button downs, but it was still pg13. one watcher still closed her eyes and prayed.

the group date the next day required the girls to dress up like intel workers to repel down the side of a waterfall.

michelle suddenly lost her fear of heights. and then she made fun of jackie, who was genuinely afraid. britt, the resident anorexic, looked like she was struggling, luckily she had eaten plenty of celery, iceberg and dentyne gum beforehand for energy. that evening, given passive aggressive remarks (jackie), aggressive aggressive remarks (michelle), and self-fulfilling prophecies (emily), brad withholds the rose. no one is safe.

the next day, brad picks alli up for their date on horseback, where they resembled shrek and his wife, fiona, on donkeys.

they went through a 40 million year old cave and then attempted to have a picnic at an ancient site called "the altar". metaphors abounded. later at dinner, alli (who was wearing a dress that i carried at my shop 4 years ago..i guess steinmart now carries dvf?) confessed that she felt so comfortable with brad and that she could hang out with him every single day. he said he agreed but admitted there was no romantic connection. she left without a rose and wiped her giant tears away with her giant hands.

earlier in the episode, michelle began physically abusing brad. after his date with alli, she begins phase two, stalking.

this was by far the worst dressed rose ceremony so far. maybe the humidity had something to do with it. on that note, does anyone think that it is strange how surprised the girls are that it rains all the time, given that they are in a rain forest? britt looks like she's taking hair cues from dog the bounty hunter. emily apologizes and comes clean about her confession from the previous night. chantal, who looks like bam bam flintstone, tells brad she has fallen in love with him. finally, brad confronts michelle about her overbearing behavior and she cries and looks forlorn.

five roses are given out, jackie is kicked off and brad announces to his shrinking harem that they are going to anguilla. the girls act like they've heard of it before.

"monkey hear"

v2.16

i am officially in the plumber stage, i have a gut and am showing crack a lot because my jeans are forced to sink lower and lower. jeans still fit. jeans still "fit".

my 16 week appointment was earlier this week, the doctor said baby's heartbeat is "vigorous" and that it is very active. we will find out the sex later this month but here are a few old wives tales that i fit into:

boy:
craving salty, sour, spicy foods
basketball (as opposed to watermelon) shaped belly
high activity in womb

girl:
hair on legs growing at normal rate (versus faster)
baby heart rate is over 140
feet are same temperature as pre-pregnancy

take a guess!

the most amazing thing that happened this week is that its bones are developed in its ears and it can hear my voice.! i hope it isn't moving around so much because my voice is grating.

look at my muffin #1 sleeping, so quiet, no opinions about anything, not even socialized health care. or the liberal media. or that obama is allergic to the word "terrorist".

while he was awake, he surprised me with recessed lighting in two rooms and creating a space for my chandelier! funny, i think he's "nesting".


not an eventful week 16, but trying to form a habit.

passport to adventure

this is my passport picture from when i was 7, taken in 1985.

a few things have changed, namely that i don't wear flower applique on my clothes anymore (or sailor collars, or crepe dresses with white tights). my skin was poreless and tan,that was nice. i guess now i can smile showing teeth since i'm no longer missing any. i think i was kind of an androgynous looking kid, take away the flower and lop a few more inches off my hair (i would forego the rest of my life goals if i could still wear this style successfully) and i could pass for a boy. and not even a girly boy. a boy boy. yd said i looked like a japanese boy in little league. tokyo tigers!

i got the passport to spend the summer with family in korea. that was really fun, our grandparents gave us money every day for ice cream and i got really good at pull ups. i think that was the summer that paul's body started to catch up with his thighs, that was good. and i remember being jealous that ruth could run faster than me.

vein drain

the bachelor goes on the road to las vegas this week, where brad shows the ladies that he is not just an emotionally vapid texas bar owner, he is a magician! or he dresses like one. the vest was rough. wasn't sure if he stopped by the wax museum and stole it off of john wayne. or little richard. or annie lennox, lord.

brad rubs his hands together too much, it's a creepy habit, especially when accompanied by a slow head nod and his vacant eyes (does he love me or want to rape me?). often he will be doing this standing with his feet wide apart. i would imagine that if he wanted to make this move a little more complex, he could add a bite down on the lower lip or bend and flex one of his knees in synchronization with the head nod.

another note here, there are two contenders still alive with really weird (awful) hair. lisa, who looks like any member, pick a member of def leppard, and marissa, whose side part is so far over it is maybe 1/2 an inch above her ear. it doesn't get better, later marisa will randomly accessorize her 10/90 with a crown.

brad takes shawntel on a shopping spree at crystals, las vegas, one of the world's primo shopping centers. i wish the montage was longer, i only recognized her shopping bags from fendi, bally, paul smith and carolina herrera. not bad. however, after looking at a directory of stores for crystals, shawntel is now at the bottom of my list, even below cray cray michelle and volleyball player/midriff shower/jennifer garner look a like alli. her shopping spree is maybe the greatest tragedy in the show's history. had i gone on that date, i would have gone to stella mccartney, balenciaga, bottega veneta, miu miu, hermes, lanvin, tom ford, prada and ysl. i probably would have forgotten brad's name and lost control of my motor skills and collapsed a few times. i don't enjoy shopping very much but that would have been hysterical. especially because i would probably be extra skinny from not having eaten for the three weeks i was on the set for the show. had i been at the hotel when shawntel came home, i would have spit on her bags and called her a BAD NAME. i may have attacked her. sorry bro, that was not good. brad, on the other hand, walks away with one bag from zegna. good job brad. hope you didn't buy another vest.

she made up for her catastrophic failure a little bit when she was telling brad at dinner that she was a funeral director and embalmer. "you basically want to replace the individual's blood with chemical". yes. "you only want to make one incision because if you have to make another, there's room for leakage." awesome. brads facial expressions are priceless, and he laughed more on this date than he has any other. "i think you're the hottest funeral director i've ever met." a fireworks show ensues, and it is visible from the hotel where the rest of the girls are staying. they are mesmerized and look like laboratory rats smashing their bodies against the glass fighting for the last sunflower seed or last injection of the latest pfizer drug.

the group date was a total set up by the producers to push brad and emily together. they go to a nascar arena, where emily's fiancee happened to have ended his racing career with a crash. he pulls her aside two, maybe three times to talk it out because he feels like an ass hole. the girls get super jealous. she ends up driving around the track at 12 mph with the sound track of dances with wolves playing in the background. it would have been more moving except that she could barely see over the wheel and looked like this (minus the angry face and lavender cardi):

"if you're not sure about me, please send me home" has become the default statement when a girl feels insecure about brad's feelings. they don't mean it and it's manipulative. chantal is the latest to use it. this is her third week in a row to cry. stop it! also alli, who is becoming more catty by the day, had a tearful conversation with brad by the pool.

alli: it's just so hard to feel special..
brad: i'm sorry, what's your name?
a: i know, it's so stupid, i wish i didn't feel this way
b: did you just get here? are you sure you're on the show?
a: i shouldn't be crying about this, i just want to feel special.
b: have i taken you on a date? the girl i took to the amusement park seemed to have a much smaller neck than you.

jk, in my dreams. bottom line, emily gets the rose because she is awesome and is the cutest person ever.

the two on one date was lame, save the shots of the cirque du soleil crew. both of the girls were on the outs anyway, and the nyc nanny is officially gone. the camera breaks away to ashley crying at least 7 times. my favorite one was her crying with elvis singing "are you lonely tonight" in the background. the answer is yes. hugs to your crackly voice and fake southern accent. looks like we will have to look at ashley the dentist with her anorexic eyebrows for another week.

so after soul searching the next morning (a phone consultation with his on call, west coast therapist), brad is ready to make more cuts at the rose ceremony. more whining, crying girls, and michelle pulls out her dominatrix card and instructs brad that "it's time to send some girls home now". oh brad loves it. it was super creepy. love her!

in the end, brad cuts marissa and lisa. he says it's because they had less of a connection with them than the others, but i know that it's because he couldn't see himself married to and spending his life with:

or

i think alli will go next, and maybe britt if she doesn't get a individual date soon.