by: windsor for the derby
underneath the leaves where the black birds turn blue,
there’s room for me
there’s room for you
place your ear to the ground you hear a voice, it sings this song,
the whole night long
i am the melody of the fallen tree,
what comes between you and me
so sadly transient, you’d never guess it could ever be
so easy to see
across a frozen field, you hear a call with the urgency,
of the boiling sea
all your hopes and dreams they rise and fall,
secretly, a cacophony
the love that brutality will turn on me you hoped to some day see
patiently
so sadly obvious, you’d never guess it could ever be
so hard to see
*i make no claims on the accuracy of these lyrics!
Monday, January 29, 2007
larry, curly and mo' money mo problems
i have an amazing life.
my family is super close. business is good and i have ambitious vision and plans for the coming year. i belong to a church i am inspired by. i'm in LOVE with God and i see Him work out my faith every day. if i'm ever having a crappy day, there are fifteen to twenty five people (18 in town) who i know would make time for me. the guy i'm dating is one of my very favorite people and one of my closest friends. i read and write every day. i am comfortable in my skin. i have money in my savings account. i love my house, my dog, my roommates. i have good hair five to six days out of the week. i am doing the things that i dreamed about when i was little. my life is better than i ever expected.
and to be honest, secretly, i think i'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out. and as great as my life is, it mostly seems "good" or "ok".
what is it about God's blessings that make me feel so uncomfortable? sometimes it's hard for me to make sense of it because blessings are the manifestation of grace, something that i did nothing and can't do anything to deserve. in the back of my mind, i think that God is blessing me because i did something right. that i prayed enough or gave enough money or memorized enough scripture. so i try to keep doing whatever i've decided God is happy with so that i can earn more blessing. and if i haven't been doing those things regularly, i think that God is blessing what i've put in "reserve". or i detach myself from it completely because i know it's a "gift" that can be taken away at any moment.
and i think i'm just used to struggling. i find meaning, comfort and identity in it. it's been my way of life for as long as i can remember (not that i've had such a hard life, more difficult chapters mixed with overanalytical tendencies) - through relationships, through my business, through my family - and i seem to have forgotten how to receive and enjoy God's blessings for what they are.
and what are blessings, exactly? i don't know, really. i think God can't help himself because He's so in love with us and so FOR us. i think that blessings are a reminder of the cross and Jesus. i think blessings seem frivolous (meaning, they are outside of our basic human needs of food, shelter and water) but in fact are the very thing that feeds and sustains our souls. i think blessings are why atheists can't truly ever believe that God doesn't exist.
on saturday, i attended "market" in dallas to buy goods for the coming months. and from my first appointment, i was anxious. i thought it was because i didn't come as prepared as i usually like to be, but by the fourth or fifth appointment, my stomach would turn every time the words "june delivery" or "early fall" would leave the lips of a sales rep. and my breathing became shallow. and i couldn't concentrate. so i left.
as i drove (to barneys, ha!), i realized that i felt okay thinking about that night or spending eternity in heaven with God but couldn't bear the thought of "next week" or "next season". a friend called and as i told her about my day, she said very simply, "maybe it's because you have something to lose."
i've been in a "you've got nothing to lose" state for so long and it's not that way anymore. and i don't know how to handle it. and the worst part is that, implicitly, i am not absorbing the gift of my salvation.
i know, i'm getting overwrought. i sort of feel like God's saying CHILL OUT AND ACCEPT IT BECAUSE ITS GOING TO GET EVEN BETTER AND YOU WILL MISS MY GLORY.
that's what i'm working on. or not working on. or whatever.
my family is super close. business is good and i have ambitious vision and plans for the coming year. i belong to a church i am inspired by. i'm in LOVE with God and i see Him work out my faith every day. if i'm ever having a crappy day, there are fifteen to twenty five people (18 in town) who i know would make time for me. the guy i'm dating is one of my very favorite people and one of my closest friends. i read and write every day. i am comfortable in my skin. i have money in my savings account. i love my house, my dog, my roommates. i have good hair five to six days out of the week. i am doing the things that i dreamed about when i was little. my life is better than i ever expected.
and to be honest, secretly, i think i'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out. and as great as my life is, it mostly seems "good" or "ok".
what is it about God's blessings that make me feel so uncomfortable? sometimes it's hard for me to make sense of it because blessings are the manifestation of grace, something that i did nothing and can't do anything to deserve. in the back of my mind, i think that God is blessing me because i did something right. that i prayed enough or gave enough money or memorized enough scripture. so i try to keep doing whatever i've decided God is happy with so that i can earn more blessing. and if i haven't been doing those things regularly, i think that God is blessing what i've put in "reserve". or i detach myself from it completely because i know it's a "gift" that can be taken away at any moment.
and i think i'm just used to struggling. i find meaning, comfort and identity in it. it's been my way of life for as long as i can remember (not that i've had such a hard life, more difficult chapters mixed with overanalytical tendencies) - through relationships, through my business, through my family - and i seem to have forgotten how to receive and enjoy God's blessings for what they are.
and what are blessings, exactly? i don't know, really. i think God can't help himself because He's so in love with us and so FOR us. i think that blessings are a reminder of the cross and Jesus. i think blessings seem frivolous (meaning, they are outside of our basic human needs of food, shelter and water) but in fact are the very thing that feeds and sustains our souls. i think blessings are why atheists can't truly ever believe that God doesn't exist.
on saturday, i attended "market" in dallas to buy goods for the coming months. and from my first appointment, i was anxious. i thought it was because i didn't come as prepared as i usually like to be, but by the fourth or fifth appointment, my stomach would turn every time the words "june delivery" or "early fall" would leave the lips of a sales rep. and my breathing became shallow. and i couldn't concentrate. so i left.
as i drove (to barneys, ha!), i realized that i felt okay thinking about that night or spending eternity in heaven with God but couldn't bear the thought of "next week" or "next season". a friend called and as i told her about my day, she said very simply, "maybe it's because you have something to lose."
i've been in a "you've got nothing to lose" state for so long and it's not that way anymore. and i don't know how to handle it. and the worst part is that, implicitly, i am not absorbing the gift of my salvation.
i know, i'm getting overwrought. i sort of feel like God's saying CHILL OUT AND ACCEPT IT BECAUSE ITS GOING TO GET EVEN BETTER AND YOU WILL MISS MY GLORY.
that's what i'm working on. or not working on. or whatever.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
de facto of the matter
worth is an interesting thing.
on one hand, it's qualitative. with some things, you can judge worth pretty easily. for example, a piece of clothing has a fixed monetary worth. the process of making a decision is simple. if you want to get into shape, you will determine if it's worth it to you to invest a certain amount of money, energy and time toward that end.
but on the other hand, sometimes things are just worth it because they just are and you can't say "x is worth it to me so i will do y amount of work" or "i like x enough so i will pay y amount of money". sometimes something is just worth it and you think and act toward that end without boundaries, without minimums or maximums, without fear. and you don't know if and when a time will come when it's not worth it but what is in front of you is compelling enough for you to keep going.
and sometimes those things end up meaning more and sometimes they end up meaning less. but not meaningless or worth less or worthless.
i feel like i'm going around in circles. but not like robert persig in zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance and his discussion on quality. more like i am a newborn colt and am trying to walk for the first time but i have placenta in my eyes and don't know how to use my feet.
on one hand, it's qualitative. with some things, you can judge worth pretty easily. for example, a piece of clothing has a fixed monetary worth. the process of making a decision is simple. if you want to get into shape, you will determine if it's worth it to you to invest a certain amount of money, energy and time toward that end.
but on the other hand, sometimes things are just worth it because they just are and you can't say "x is worth it to me so i will do y amount of work" or "i like x enough so i will pay y amount of money". sometimes something is just worth it and you think and act toward that end without boundaries, without minimums or maximums, without fear. and you don't know if and when a time will come when it's not worth it but what is in front of you is compelling enough for you to keep going.
and sometimes those things end up meaning more and sometimes they end up meaning less. but not meaningless or worth less or worthless.
i feel like i'm going around in circles. but not like robert persig in zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance and his discussion on quality. more like i am a newborn colt and am trying to walk for the first time but i have placenta in my eyes and don't know how to use my feet.
Monday, January 22, 2007
30 and still getting carded.
happy birthday to my brother, paul. i can't imagine loving anyone more than i love you.
dollars and sense.
i wrote the following in my journal this morning. at first, i thought i was writing it for someone else. it turns out that maybe God was speaking it over me. whoever is reading, i hope it blesses you.
i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand you. i understand why. i understand. i understand me. i understand. i understand that it hurts. i understand. i understand. i understand peace. i understand. i understand love. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand that you want to be found. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand you want to fly. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand that you choose liberty over death. i understand the cost. i understand. i understand. i understand.i understand that it's never more than you can stand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand that i can never leave you.
i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand you. i understand why. i understand. i understand me. i understand. i understand that it hurts. i understand. i understand. i understand peace. i understand. i understand love. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand that you want to be found. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand you want to fly. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand that you choose liberty over death. i understand the cost. i understand. i understand. i understand.i understand that it's never more than you can stand. i understand. i understand. i understand. i understand that i can never leave you.
Monday, January 08, 2007
wooden it be nice
a few of my favorite pairings:
sunny days and open sunroofs
chocolate and nuts
roadtrips and coldplay
rainy days and good books
jeans and blue t shirts
airplane rides and gingerale
cold weather and ugg boots
sailboats and journals
wood and metal
live music and cloves
sunny days and open sunroofs
chocolate and nuts
roadtrips and coldplay
rainy days and good books
jeans and blue t shirts
airplane rides and gingerale
cold weather and ugg boots
sailboats and journals
wood and metal
live music and cloves
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
audioslave trade
two things.
i remember sitting in advanced reporting and writing...or writing for the media...or whatever...staring at the back of a tshirt that the girl sitting in front of me had on. it read: "jeremiah 29:11 - for I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and all class long, i sat in mild curiosity, wondering which church event, passion conference, or revival this shirt had come from. the clock struck ten fifty and she got up, packed her northface backpack and turned around to leave.
it read: rush 2000.
rush? like for sororities?? does anyone else think that it's oh, slightly conjecturous and a bit emotionally manipulative to try to apply a word from God for an exiled nation to whether freshmen should choose kappa or pi phi on pref day? i was appalled then and continue to be now since i think of that stupid shirt every time i hear that verse. definitely on par with anything benny hinn has ever said (including that bit about the holy spirit machine gun). really.
on a less derisive note...
this morning, i was sitting in my closet spending some quiet time as i try to do every day. my dog, bradley, likes to come in with me and just lay there while i sip, gnosh, write, read, pray, what have you. and i have always interpreted his actions as meaning that he just wanted to be by me, his alpha, at all times. how sweet and loyal and everything else a dog is supposed to be!
so this morning, i forgot to bring in the tea kettle to refill my mug and so when i reached the bottom of my cup, i got up to get more hot water. as soon as i started to head toward the door, bradley jumps up with his ears perked and tail wagging. i open the door, he bolts out and runs into the kitchen. when i reach the kitchen, he is standing by his bowl, eyes intense and body completely still. ignoring this, i refilled my cup and headed back to my closet. bradley followed, laid down and curled up by me as we had been originally. after a while longer, it was time for me to get ready for the day so i picked up my things and stood up. again, bradley (who was completely sleeping and even doing those kicks and pseudo barks that dogs do in REM), did the exact same thing.
to test him, i went back into my closet, stood there for a minute, walked out and started running for the other side of the house. he freaked out and ran after me. as soon as he was in the same room, he turns around and walks out while looking back at me every few seconds as if he wanted me to come with him. i followed. he led me to his bowl.
that was a really long story. and really crazy verb tense issues. sorry. i realized a couple of things. one, bradley is not loyal to me as his leader. he is loyal to me because i have never forgotten to feed him. and more importantly, i extracted a spiritual lesson (go with me here). the thing is that bradley is always like that. he always expects that every time i go to the kitchen, i am going because i either want to give him food, a treat or will make/cook food and drop something. every time i sit on the floor, he runs over to me because he thinks i sat with the sole purpose of petting him. when i go outside, he thinks i am going because i want to play with him.
and i want to be like that with God. i want to absorb the mindset that in every situation, every circumstance, God is just waiting to pour out His blessings on me. that He is ALWAYS for me, always wanting to show me how much He loves me. and not only do i want to think this way, i want to live like it with abandon.
like bradley, except that he has no soul and will not go to heaven.
i remember sitting in advanced reporting and writing...or writing for the media...or whatever...staring at the back of a tshirt that the girl sitting in front of me had on. it read: "jeremiah 29:11 - for I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and all class long, i sat in mild curiosity, wondering which church event, passion conference, or revival this shirt had come from. the clock struck ten fifty and she got up, packed her northface backpack and turned around to leave.
it read: rush 2000.
rush? like for sororities?? does anyone else think that it's oh, slightly conjecturous and a bit emotionally manipulative to try to apply a word from God for an exiled nation to whether freshmen should choose kappa or pi phi on pref day? i was appalled then and continue to be now since i think of that stupid shirt every time i hear that verse. definitely on par with anything benny hinn has ever said (including that bit about the holy spirit machine gun). really.
on a less derisive note...
this morning, i was sitting in my closet spending some quiet time as i try to do every day. my dog, bradley, likes to come in with me and just lay there while i sip, gnosh, write, read, pray, what have you. and i have always interpreted his actions as meaning that he just wanted to be by me, his alpha, at all times. how sweet and loyal and everything else a dog is supposed to be!
so this morning, i forgot to bring in the tea kettle to refill my mug and so when i reached the bottom of my cup, i got up to get more hot water. as soon as i started to head toward the door, bradley jumps up with his ears perked and tail wagging. i open the door, he bolts out and runs into the kitchen. when i reach the kitchen, he is standing by his bowl, eyes intense and body completely still. ignoring this, i refilled my cup and headed back to my closet. bradley followed, laid down and curled up by me as we had been originally. after a while longer, it was time for me to get ready for the day so i picked up my things and stood up. again, bradley (who was completely sleeping and even doing those kicks and pseudo barks that dogs do in REM), did the exact same thing.
to test him, i went back into my closet, stood there for a minute, walked out and started running for the other side of the house. he freaked out and ran after me. as soon as he was in the same room, he turns around and walks out while looking back at me every few seconds as if he wanted me to come with him. i followed. he led me to his bowl.
that was a really long story. and really crazy verb tense issues. sorry. i realized a couple of things. one, bradley is not loyal to me as his leader. he is loyal to me because i have never forgotten to feed him. and more importantly, i extracted a spiritual lesson (go with me here). the thing is that bradley is always like that. he always expects that every time i go to the kitchen, i am going because i either want to give him food, a treat or will make/cook food and drop something. every time i sit on the floor, he runs over to me because he thinks i sat with the sole purpose of petting him. when i go outside, he thinks i am going because i want to play with him.
and i want to be like that with God. i want to absorb the mindset that in every situation, every circumstance, God is just waiting to pour out His blessings on me. that He is ALWAYS for me, always wanting to show me how much He loves me. and not only do i want to think this way, i want to live like it with abandon.
like bradley, except that he has no soul and will not go to heaven.
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