finding a boy in high school is as useless as trying to find meaning in a pauly shore movie

when i experience stress, as i am now, vaguely, my mind freezes up. the best definition of stress i ever heard was a couple of years ago, from the ceo of renault in france and nissan in japan (yeah, at the same time. and i think he even manages nissan north america). he said that stress builds when you know that there's a problem but you can't see it, and therefore you can't solve it. i guess that's how i feel. and nothing is really a "problem" but all of the things that are like colorful koi swimming around in my mental pond are things that i do not know how to solve. more specifically, that i cannot solve because the answer to them is waiting. and waiting is hard. waiting gives me the runs, it robs my sleep, it creates a space between me and people, me and my job, me and God. i also haven't been much fun to be around. i also don't have a happy ending for this blog.