girl you make my speakers go boom boom

i think i know why chris harrison always looks so weird. he wears clothes that look like they belong to someone else. really the guy should be wearing puffy plaid button downs and pressed docker khakis but someone keeps taking him to the penguin and mavi section at urban outfitters.

we open the show swiftly with emily and chris's date. after a magical metaphorical moment (climbing is like love or something)...wait, whoa, why is this male climbing assistant wearing nail polish?

well i am tiring of emily talking about how she is a "package deal" and that she "hopes" that the guy understands that. just to reiterate, it is the entire premise of the show and the reason why the whole show moved to charlotte. let's move on please.

after dinner they go and listen to some country band and while they just let loose dancing, the girl in the couple behind them is only concerned with which white middle class person in the crowd will try to steal her overstuffed houndstooth bag.

judging by the stiff and awkward phone conversation between tony the lumber trader and his alleged "son", i believe he has hired a little boy to act like his progeny in order to get an angle with emily.

there seems to be a new thing that the film crew tapes the discussion amongst those going on the group date as to what the date card could possibly mean.
"let's play...emily".
"oh bro, i'm thinking sports, maybe some kind of competition"
"maybe we are going to act out shakespeare"
maybe let's not think about this too much because the bachelorette is not known for being complicated or deeply philosophical.

emily takes the group date to meet her "girlfriends" so they can find out who would be a good husband and father and won't.

not even sure, not even sure. this lady will not be the next bachelorette.

after the group date, which ended with tony leaving and sean getting the rose, the camera rolls on the guys who stayed home.

and well well, what do we have here? looks like michael saved his jamz and hobie tank top for the special once in a lifetime opportunity of being on national tv.

a couple of observations on emily's date with arie.

continuing complexion issues.

 these are the shortest mom jeans i have ever seen.

and i'm not sure what the designers aim is here, but it looks like dolly has hooves for feet and she's naked with her legs covered in an intricate map of glitter.

well who needs reality steve when emily, herself, is going to give the ending away?! she is as transparent about arie as brad was about her.

at the rose ceremony, we had the first piece of evidence that alessandro speaks english. but clearly we're having some miscommunication, or maybe it is because he can't see anything. or maybe he doesn't actually know what "compromise" means. whichever the case, the gypsy king goes home. and has a really weird confession in the car. i would love it if this guy were the next bachelor.

the night ends with ryan growing what appears to be the opposite of a mustache, emily wearing combat boots and the gaping keyhole in her sparkley dress growing longer and longer.

finally stevie is gone. that's what you get for wearing plaid to a cocktail party.