gold crowns and blue jays

i try very hard to make everything relevant. and that's such a big word for me (i actually avoid using it altogether because it reminds me of the magazine. i aliken it to the idea of irony and ironic t shirts). i have a hard time believing that something can cease to have meaning. i think it's built into the generation x machine.

but the truth is that a lot of the time, things just aren't relevant. my past is not relevant to who i am now, simply by the de facto reality that i am a new creation in christ. my experience and history might be sentimental and even useful to reference at times, but it is not relevant. i fight that. and at times, it's become so hard to center, to focus, to find north on my mental and spiritual compass because i'm trying to get it to point at everything, all at once: my victories, my failures, the experiences that have made me more confident, the ones that have made me insecure, the memories of who i used to be and how that contributes to who i am now.

and most salient here, i feel like i can accept that my sins are forgiven but what's hard for me to accept is that my sins are completely irrelevant; blotted away, forgotten by a fully omniscient sovereign God. how can that be??? and so i carry it all with me because i find meaning and comfort somehow. i seem to refuse to absorb the truth that my sins of yesterday, of even a second ago, are not significant in who i am now. i don't get it. . .

i feel like i'm making it sound sort of pitiful and passive. it's actually vicious. when i carry my sin with me, i am implicitly buying into the idea of entitlement. i am entitled to be less disciplined in a certain area because i have a history of struggling - it's just "harder" for me. i have earned the right to be bitter or defensive in another area because i have battle wounds to show for it. i end up acting out of fear, out of doubt because i feel undeserving since all i can see is the accumulation of my imperfection.

without a doubt, the only thing that is relevant is that God is good and loving and wants to accomplish His will through us for His pleasure and our ultimate fulfillment. it is the only thing that has ever mattered.

if God would be so gracious to allow me to be fully convicted and changed by this reality!