larry, curly and mo' money mo problems

i have an amazing life.

my family is super close. business is good and i have ambitious vision and plans for the coming year. i belong to a church i am inspired by. i'm in LOVE with God and i see Him work out my faith every day. if i'm ever having a crappy day, there are fifteen to twenty five people (18 in town) who i know would make time for me. the guy i'm dating is one of my very favorite people and one of my closest friends. i read and write every day. i am comfortable in my skin. i have money in my savings account. i love my house, my dog, my roommates. i have good hair five to six days out of the week. i am doing the things that i dreamed about when i was little. my life is better than i ever expected.

and to be honest, secretly, i think i'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out. and as great as my life is, it mostly seems "good" or "ok".

what is it about God's blessings that make me feel so uncomfortable? sometimes it's hard for me to make sense of it because blessings are the manifestation of grace, something that i did nothing and can't do anything to deserve. in the back of my mind, i think that God is blessing me because i did something right. that i prayed enough or gave enough money or memorized enough scripture. so i try to keep doing whatever i've decided God is happy with so that i can earn more blessing. and if i haven't been doing those things regularly, i think that God is blessing what i've put in "reserve". or i detach myself from it completely because i know it's a "gift" that can be taken away at any moment.

and i think i'm just used to struggling. i find meaning, comfort and identity in it. it's been my way of life for as long as i can remember (not that i've had such a hard life, more difficult chapters mixed with overanalytical tendencies) - through relationships, through my business, through my family - and i seem to have forgotten how to receive and enjoy God's blessings for what they are.

and what are blessings, exactly? i don't know, really. i think God can't help himself because He's so in love with us and so FOR us. i think that blessings are a reminder of the cross and Jesus. i think blessings seem frivolous (meaning, they are outside of our basic human needs of food, shelter and water) but in fact are the very thing that feeds and sustains our souls. i think blessings are why atheists can't truly ever believe that God doesn't exist.

on saturday, i attended "market" in dallas to buy goods for the coming months. and from my first appointment, i was anxious. i thought it was because i didn't come as prepared as i usually like to be, but by the fourth or fifth appointment, my stomach would turn every time the words "june delivery" or "early fall" would leave the lips of a sales rep. and my breathing became shallow. and i couldn't concentrate. so i left.

as i drove (to barneys, ha!), i realized that i felt okay thinking about that night or spending eternity in heaven with God but couldn't bear the thought of "next week" or "next season". a friend called and as i told her about my day, she said very simply, "maybe it's because you have something to lose."

i've been in a "you've got nothing to lose" state for so long and it's not that way anymore. and i don't know how to handle it. and the worst part is that, implicitly, i am not absorbing the gift of my salvation.

i know, i'm getting overwrought. i sort of feel like God's saying CHILL OUT AND ACCEPT IT BECAUSE ITS GOING TO GET EVEN BETTER AND YOU WILL MISS MY GLORY.

that's what i'm working on. or not working on. or whatever.