the orange tent

one of her favorite books, madeline's rescue, with her favorite uncle-brother.

tomorrow

you can't see anything here (i was driving, em has also become a little camera shy these days) but wanted to capture her singing her favorite song of the moment, tomorrow. she has a sweet little singing voice.

post op

when jeremy and i first got married, i made enemies with time and reality. i have to say here that life was a bit jarring. he moved in with me mid-may (and by he, i mean he plus four dogs, horse and cattle trailers, a tractor, welding and carpentry equipment, vintage clothes (grossss), cars that did not work, a lot of crazy furniture and art (one landmark fight was over the portrait of the "lady in the red dress playing the piano"), a tendency to form very high piles of extremely dirty clothing on the floor and one mean habit of leaving tobacco spit cups e v e r y w h e r e), we married in june, had esther margaret in july and he started school full time in august.

maybe to brace myself for all of the change or just to cope with a new baby, i occupied my thoughts with how i wished things could be. consequently, i had a very hard time accepting that i was betrothed to someone, that i had a child who depended on me 24 hours a day, that i bore the financial weight for my whole family, that i was not independent anymore, that my tax filing status would change, that i felt like my mom died again, that i had to answer to someone. i escaped in my mind because it was just too much.

i imagined life without so many dogs. i imagined life where i could park in the garage. i imagined a life where i could rely on my car to start from my imaginary parking place. i imagined a life that jeremy could read my mind and unload the dishwasher or take the trash to the curb on thursday nights. none of my wishes ever seemed like too much to ask and yet nothing ever changed. a year into into it, we still had five dogs, livestock equipment sitting in the car port and i was still president, cook and janitor. i ran the machine, completely alone, on top of my mountain of anger and tears. i was bitter, anxious, so depressed and sad inside. people tend to feel that what is most harsh is the most real, and while i don't think that is true, it was the most satisfying to believe at the time. this was life.

then one day, our favorite dog, muneca, died. within a few months, another dog, winnie, died too. then esther margaret started becoming this profoundly simple, gorgeous, funny person. then jeremy started laughing at my jokes (he never thought i was funny before). then over time, we shed trailers, equipment, then cars and bought a different one that started every single time. then jeremy turned out really good grades every single semester. then the trash bin started to appear on the curb every friday morning and the dishes back in the cabinets by sunrise. one day i realized that i needed him, which was the same day a very good friend told me that i should "trust life".

i pulled into my perfect, minted spot in the garage today and realized that things turned out as i wished they would, but i had nothing to do with it. life seems to always reveal itself on its own accord, and those revelations are always good, always god.

here are the people i love the very most, my family. i am grateful that they have loved me through the good days, the bad times and the salty desserts.

number two for number four

a great montage from lela's birthday party. their personalities are very evident here, lela is very easy going, generous and free spirited. esther margaret is cautious, sensitive and orderly. since that party, em has told me every day that it is lela's birthday.

 

photos by kathy wiethorn

spell bound

first grade, I was crazy for that crochet vest. my shirt was a "sassoon". you didn't know vidal sassoon made clothes? welcome to korean branded clothing. i am possibly wearing "topsiders" (also likely fake) as well, and believe i entered into the stage in life where i wore one of two pairs of jeans every day.

random memories of people in my class:

first row
geoff: red and white tee. he had a rat tail and i felt very drawn to it.
michael: strangely, a ladies man.

second row
chandler: deer print sweatshirt. constant nose bleeds. and ate a grasshopper.
rebecca: pink, blue and teal yoke dress. my bff

third row
bianca: striped tee. so pretty, all the boys loved her.
kayle (?): black bow. her mom turned a ceiling fan into a splatter paint machine. wore lots of tie dye, also likely home made.

fourth row
chris: red polo. he was hilarious although i can't remember a joke he made.
kathy: gray vest. can only picture her with a kleenex.

license to ride

esther margaret has sat on a horse's back many times, but yesterday was her first time riding by herself. she is not galloping through the plains just yet, but i love the courage and growing affection she has towards horses and animals in general. we have three horses but she can always pick out mouse, he is the calmest and gentlest among them. jeremy has been so consistent and patient with her, her confidence and excitement atop a huge animal is a testament to that. jeremy bought the saddle she is riding on before she was even born. i have a saddle too, which i have used twice. my two year old is infinitely more confident riding a horse than i am.

this was the first time she sat on mouse, at 17 months

that i may see

this morning, i opened my eyes and thought i was staring into a field of wheat.

it was actually my beloved's armpit 4 inches from my face. the tendrils specked with day old deodorant were gently swaying in the breeze created by the ceiling fan. oddly peaceful.